I forgave you.
I held your hand,
– you couldn’t find peace.
you clung to your breath,
until we both choked upon it.
When you finally let go
I allowed my suffering to
be your companion.
This memory is a gift
– never again,
will darkness swallow me
As death took your hand
It wasn’t right,
but I was the one
who found peace… x
You were my most intimate relationship, so it is not surprising that every now and then I see things and feel things that remind me of you. We were friends you and I – like an old sock and an old shoe. It was a long time ago. I remember you protected me as only wounds can. Eventually I realised that whilst you were the perfect place to hide…with great stealth you stole from me all my primary colors. That is what wounds do over time.
I still recall the day I let you go. You were my constant where none had ever been before. Today I wear you as my invisible tattoo… a reminder of the past, of the pain and also of the healing that has taken place.
You have made me stronger, softer and more willing to be a relentless advocate for all that is good in this world. All that is good in my world. You have also taught me to accept life and the challenges it throws me.
Today I feel like I could fly and my world, though far from perfect makes me smile. It is filled with amazing people and delicious moments. So I thank you for the gift of helping me to grow and the gift of learning that scars only form while we are living. My only desire is to live a life where I die being forgiven and forgiving.
I want you to know I remember you fondly. Whilst you and I both know suffering beyond words, long ago I moved on to a better place – a place I can’t be pulled back from.
There is no going back since I opened the door to feel the earth and the wind…
Avec la paix
Lisa Fro x
‘Semper anticus’ always moving forward without fear.
It is always easier to stay where it is comfortable – to stay where we are too busy to take time to look under the bed for monsters.
We all have times when nausea strangles our throat and swirls through our gut, yet we are never really inert or powerless to do something no matter how small. It doesn’t have to be a leap… take baby steps.
Fear of the imagined, fear of the unknown has a way of growing tentacles that can reach into every corner of our mind… The only antidote to fear is action. Maybe if we move slowly and with great care – take a peek under the bed at the things that haunt us most, we may just find that the monsters are not quite as big as our imaginings.
I have discovered that unless I meet my fear head on, we will never become friends. Like any relationship the more time you commit to understanding each other the closer you become.
It is never too late to take a peek under the bed – offer your monster some cake.